Valentines Day 2015 was surprising not bad, coming from an eternally single person. I am sad that I am single, and I didn't avoid being sad about that the whole day, but most of the day I had a great time with my best friend.
Last year on valentines day was the first time I had ever gotten drunk, and I spent the week leading to valentines day ready to celebrate the anniversary, which I did, but that is not what is important. What is important is that I spent the day with my best friend just having fun. I did my makeup nice, dressed comfortably and didn't plan anything. We ended up going to lunch with her parents(that are basically my parents) and then running into her brother, sister in law and their baby on the street. In a weird way I felt like that was showing me that there are other sources of love than a romantic relationship. Being at college and only coming home on the weekends make it really hard to plan a time to see my nephew so running into them and getting to see him for a little bit was just what I needed, cause man, I love that little guy so much.
My best friend and I then went and fed one of our friend's animals because they were out of town, and at their house we found the sweetest stray cat and I named her Penelope. This is another way I was shown that I don't need romantic love to be happy, because my love for animals fills me with so much joy. Although one of the toughest parts of valentines day was not being able to be with Toby, my sweet puppy.
After that we went back to her house and watched the terrible/amazing movie Another Cinderella Story and we laughed and sang the whole way through even though she doesn't really like dumb teen movies like that. Then we watched Gone Girl for the second time in her room, while I drank half a bottle of vodka, I don't recommend this, but hey, its what happened. That is the only time when I actually felt sad about being single, so it goes to show how important other love is in your life.
I have depression and anxiety, but this year I was happy on Valentines day, which is a first for me. I know that a lot of people probably had a struggle and I have been there, and here it comes...... It gets better. It's hard to admit because I have refused to believe it for so long, but at least some things, get better. I'm still depressed, I still have terrible anxiety, I still don't think I will ever get over that, but it's okay to let happiness happen.
I don't believe I deserve happiness today, but on Valentines day I did, and I had a good day.
So try to let yourself feel happy, you deserve it.
The thing that has helped me the most recently is surrounding myself with amazing people. I found a great group of friends at college and they share my humor and they like being around me, it is a great thing and it has really helped me to let myself be a little happier.
I know this is a jumble, but I hope maybe it helps someone out. I hope you all had an amazing
Valentine's day and I also hope you know it is okay if you didn't. Maybe in a year or two you will be writing about how it gets better, at least I hope you feewl that way because you deserve to be happy!
with love, thefloralwitch
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
What a Fake
Pretending to be something you are not.
It's a dangerous game and I have learned to play it in many ways. I think that I am protecting myself, but I am constantly down about the fact that I feel like I can't truly be who I am with the people I love. Sometimes I feel so isolated and alone because a large part of my life is a lie.
Hahaha I hope my family doesn't find this because I will then not be able to hide anymore, but I want to be honest here so the two things I lie about to my family are
1. I am not a Christian(this is the big one because they really are)
2. I have depression(its just not something I want them to know)
The family that I am referring to is what I call my adopted family, they babysat my and my brother since we were babies and I grew to be best friends with their daughter who is four years older than me(my real brother's age). I now stay with them on weekends and in the summer and I am considered family to their whole family. My actual family is unstable, but they do know these two facts about me.
Anyways, my adopted family are extremely conservative Christians and I feel like if they knew that I don't believe, they wouldn't except me anymore and I would have to deal with constant criticism because of it. I already get quite a bit of grief because I do not lie about being a liberal feminist. It is so sad and scary to know that the most important source of love in your life, could completely diminish if they found out the truth about you. Thinking of this also makes me realize that they don't even know the real me so the love isn't necessarily real either.
The depression thing is more of a depression thing, if that makes sense? It's a thing to hide, it's a thing I'm afraid of. But they should know, its not hard to see, and that makes me sad.
The point of this isn't to point out the flaws in my family, or even the flaws in me. I just wanted to share my fears, I wanted to let people know that lying to the people you love about who you are isn't smart and I hope you don't ever have too.
I'm sorry if this is a bit of a downer, but I vowed to be honest. I would also really love opinions or advice on the matter, because its a heavy thing to carry around and i'm trying not to be afraid to ask for support.
For now, thefloralwitch
It's a dangerous game and I have learned to play it in many ways. I think that I am protecting myself, but I am constantly down about the fact that I feel like I can't truly be who I am with the people I love. Sometimes I feel so isolated and alone because a large part of my life is a lie.
Hahaha I hope my family doesn't find this because I will then not be able to hide anymore, but I want to be honest here so the two things I lie about to my family are
1. I am not a Christian(this is the big one because they really are)
2. I have depression(its just not something I want them to know)
The family that I am referring to is what I call my adopted family, they babysat my and my brother since we were babies and I grew to be best friends with their daughter who is four years older than me(my real brother's age). I now stay with them on weekends and in the summer and I am considered family to their whole family. My actual family is unstable, but they do know these two facts about me.
Anyways, my adopted family are extremely conservative Christians and I feel like if they knew that I don't believe, they wouldn't except me anymore and I would have to deal with constant criticism because of it. I already get quite a bit of grief because I do not lie about being a liberal feminist. It is so sad and scary to know that the most important source of love in your life, could completely diminish if they found out the truth about you. Thinking of this also makes me realize that they don't even know the real me so the love isn't necessarily real either.
The depression thing is more of a depression thing, if that makes sense? It's a thing to hide, it's a thing I'm afraid of. But they should know, its not hard to see, and that makes me sad.
The point of this isn't to point out the flaws in my family, or even the flaws in me. I just wanted to share my fears, I wanted to let people know that lying to the people you love about who you are isn't smart and I hope you don't ever have too.
I'm sorry if this is a bit of a downer, but I vowed to be honest. I would also really love opinions or advice on the matter, because its a heavy thing to carry around and i'm trying not to be afraid to ask for support.
For now, thefloralwitch
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