Pretending to be something you are not.
It's a dangerous game and I have learned to play it in many ways. I think that I am protecting myself, but I am constantly down about the fact that I feel like I can't truly be who I am with the people I love. Sometimes I feel so isolated and alone because a large part of my life is a lie.
Hahaha I hope my family doesn't find this because I will then not be able to hide anymore, but I want to be honest here so the two things I lie about to my family are
1. I am not a Christian(this is the big one because they really are)
2. I have depression(its just not something I want them to know)
The family that I am referring to is what I call my adopted family, they babysat my and my brother since we were babies and I grew to be best friends with their daughter who is four years older than me(my real brother's age). I now stay with them on weekends and in the summer and I am considered family to their whole family. My actual family is unstable, but they do know these two facts about me.
Anyways, my adopted family are extremely conservative Christians and I feel like if they knew that I don't believe, they wouldn't except me anymore and I would have to deal with constant criticism because of it. I already get quite a bit of grief because I do not lie about being a liberal feminist. It is so sad and scary to know that the most important source of love in your life, could completely diminish if they found out the truth about you. Thinking of this also makes me realize that they don't even know the real me so the love isn't necessarily real either.
The depression thing is more of a depression thing, if that makes sense? It's a thing to hide, it's a thing I'm afraid of. But they should know, its not hard to see, and that makes me sad.
The point of this isn't to point out the flaws in my family, or even the flaws in me. I just wanted to share my fears, I wanted to let people know that lying to the people you love about who you are isn't smart and I hope you don't ever have too.
I'm sorry if this is a bit of a downer, but I vowed to be honest. I would also really love opinions or advice on the matter, because its a heavy thing to carry around and i'm trying not to be afraid to ask for support.
For now, thefloralwitch
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Friday, January 2, 2015
What a Way to Start the New Year
I shouldn't do it, I shouldn't blog when I am sad. I know this is a terrible idea, but I am too tired to even stop myself. I am sorry to be a downer on the new year, but some times(most times) I cant choose when the darkness comes and goes. So here we go, I am going to try and keep it light, but this is kind of what blogs are for, venting.
Despite being the slightest bit hungover and the largest bit tired, today actually started out really great. I had to get up early, which was a drag, to go meet my aunt who was visiting for breakfast. That was pretty good, but longer than I had planned unfortunately. I had to get back to town because I was planning on meeting two friends, one visiting from out of town and one who I haven't seen since graduation.
These are two amazing girls, I love them both so much and I know they never would mean to hurt me. Our friendship has always been the same, they were best friends before and kind of adopted me into their little group, which is great, the only problem is they can be mean. Not in the secret manipulative way, but more the straight out way that they play off as teasing. Sometimes they are both super nice, but then Lilly will start being mean and eventually Sandra will join in. Lilly and me actually used to hate each other all through elementary and middle school, but now we are really close. They don't mean their teasing in a rude way at all, but with a weak mind like mine, it always gets to me. I would say that these two girls are my best friends, and my roommate, from high school.
Back to the day. We started off with just talking while they ate lunch and that was great! Except that I was a lot later than I was supposed to be because of my breakfast with my aunt. Then we fought(not really) about what to do and eventually decided on bowling(our original plan). We only got one game because Sandra had to work at 4 and it was like 3. Bowling went awesome and we had a lot of fun, I even agreed to every picture they wanted to take(I usually wont let anyone take a pic of me unless I am controlling the camera, I will make a post about this later). After bowling we headed over to Sandra's work, while we waited for her shift we decided that we would all dye my hair after(she got off at 9). So we went to buy the dye and left her to her work. I ended up driving Lilly to her hotel that she was staying in, after doing a lot of unnecessary driving on the way while we were deciding where to go. She had a dinner with her family so I headed back to the farm(where I kind of live).
Where I live is about 15-20 min drive from the town that we met in at first. The second town we went to was about 15-20 mins away from there. And the last town that we got to after going through a couple towns was also like 20-25 mins away or a little more cause of the route we ended up taking. Then to drive back from that town to the farm was about 30-40 mins, maybe more. I had to drive all of this, some alone and some with Lilly, while hungover and super tired.
All and all it was a super fun day despite all the driving and tiredness. I waited at the farm and was really excited, although nervous for the hair part. My hair has never been completely dyed before and we didn't go for just a one color thing, we mixed. This is when they started doing their thing, at first it was okay, but with my anxiety about my hair it finally got to me. At one point they obviously whispered to each other, I think it was because we ran out of dye, but they would not tell me what they said and got mad at me for asking. Things like that really get to me because I can't stand not knowing.
I also am that kind of person who thinks that if I am not there, I am being talked about. So it was really hard for me to deal with that.
Also while writing this, I realize that while I was waiting for them to come over my friend's mom(basically my mom, I live with and stuff) said something really hurtful to me which is probably why I am actually upset. Maybe I should talk about this instead, maybe I will in another post.
Anyways, they both got super tired and annoyed cause it was late and Sandra had to drive Lilly home because it was at my house and I had already driven her a lot that day. Although they stayed until it was done and helped me blow dry it so they could see. They were really excited about the color, it isn't exactly what I wanted, but I think I like it too. Whenever I do something to my hair it takes a while for me to get used to it. After they saw it and said it looked good they left. Thinking about it now I shouldn't really be upset and I think that it was more the hurtful comment from earlier/anxiety/tiredness. I really appreciate them for coming out to the farm and helping me with my hair, I just wish they didn't have to tease me. I will make a post later about being that friend(the third wheel) cause I always am.
I am actually super glad I wrote this out because even though I feel like breaking down right now, I realize it inst because of what my friends did.
I'm sorry that this was a really long dumb story with no real reason or interest, but it really helped me. I will make more posts pertaining to the things I said earlier and they should make more sense, I will also probably make another New Years post because it is something I would like to talk about.
For now, I am sorry to be such a downer, but I hope your new year has started out better than mine.
This quote I found on Tumblr is something I really relate too and it reminds me of what happened tonight. Sorry for the sad things!
Despite being the slightest bit hungover and the largest bit tired, today actually started out really great. I had to get up early, which was a drag, to go meet my aunt who was visiting for breakfast. That was pretty good, but longer than I had planned unfortunately. I had to get back to town because I was planning on meeting two friends, one visiting from out of town and one who I haven't seen since graduation.
These are two amazing girls, I love them both so much and I know they never would mean to hurt me. Our friendship has always been the same, they were best friends before and kind of adopted me into their little group, which is great, the only problem is they can be mean. Not in the secret manipulative way, but more the straight out way that they play off as teasing. Sometimes they are both super nice, but then Lilly will start being mean and eventually Sandra will join in. Lilly and me actually used to hate each other all through elementary and middle school, but now we are really close. They don't mean their teasing in a rude way at all, but with a weak mind like mine, it always gets to me. I would say that these two girls are my best friends, and my roommate, from high school.
Back to the day. We started off with just talking while they ate lunch and that was great! Except that I was a lot later than I was supposed to be because of my breakfast with my aunt. Then we fought(not really) about what to do and eventually decided on bowling(our original plan). We only got one game because Sandra had to work at 4 and it was like 3. Bowling went awesome and we had a lot of fun, I even agreed to every picture they wanted to take(I usually wont let anyone take a pic of me unless I am controlling the camera, I will make a post about this later). After bowling we headed over to Sandra's work, while we waited for her shift we decided that we would all dye my hair after(she got off at 9). So we went to buy the dye and left her to her work. I ended up driving Lilly to her hotel that she was staying in, after doing a lot of unnecessary driving on the way while we were deciding where to go. She had a dinner with her family so I headed back to the farm(where I kind of live).
Where I live is about 15-20 min drive from the town that we met in at first. The second town we went to was about 15-20 mins away from there. And the last town that we got to after going through a couple towns was also like 20-25 mins away or a little more cause of the route we ended up taking. Then to drive back from that town to the farm was about 30-40 mins, maybe more. I had to drive all of this, some alone and some with Lilly, while hungover and super tired.
All and all it was a super fun day despite all the driving and tiredness. I waited at the farm and was really excited, although nervous for the hair part. My hair has never been completely dyed before and we didn't go for just a one color thing, we mixed. This is when they started doing their thing, at first it was okay, but with my anxiety about my hair it finally got to me. At one point they obviously whispered to each other, I think it was because we ran out of dye, but they would not tell me what they said and got mad at me for asking. Things like that really get to me because I can't stand not knowing.
I also am that kind of person who thinks that if I am not there, I am being talked about. So it was really hard for me to deal with that.
Also while writing this, I realize that while I was waiting for them to come over my friend's mom(basically my mom, I live with and stuff) said something really hurtful to me which is probably why I am actually upset. Maybe I should talk about this instead, maybe I will in another post.
Anyways, they both got super tired and annoyed cause it was late and Sandra had to drive Lilly home because it was at my house and I had already driven her a lot that day. Although they stayed until it was done and helped me blow dry it so they could see. They were really excited about the color, it isn't exactly what I wanted, but I think I like it too. Whenever I do something to my hair it takes a while for me to get used to it. After they saw it and said it looked good they left. Thinking about it now I shouldn't really be upset and I think that it was more the hurtful comment from earlier/anxiety/tiredness. I really appreciate them for coming out to the farm and helping me with my hair, I just wish they didn't have to tease me. I will make a post later about being that friend(the third wheel) cause I always am.
I am actually super glad I wrote this out because even though I feel like breaking down right now, I realize it inst because of what my friends did.
I'm sorry that this was a really long dumb story with no real reason or interest, but it really helped me. I will make more posts pertaining to the things I said earlier and they should make more sense, I will also probably make another New Years post because it is something I would like to talk about.
For now, I am sorry to be such a downer, but I hope your new year has started out better than mine.
This quote I found on Tumblr is something I really relate too and it reminds me of what happened tonight. Sorry for the sad things!
“The thing about depression is you think you’re over it, but it’s 3 PM and you’re surrounded by your friends laughing about something stupid and you feel it, you feel the loneliness creeping in. You feel the sadness even though you’re laughing. You’re depressed and you don’t even know how to fix it.”
| — | 3PM depression// (via ugh) -thefloralwitch I think I will call my dad now, it is finally midnight so it is his birthday! |
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
What a Confession
This blog is so silly, so unimportant, so boring and badly organized, but it is me and it means a lot to me. I don't plan to get a million followers or even a hundred, I know it is definitely not at that level, but I just want someone to care about it.
I just want this blog to mean something to someone.
I want someone to read this stupid blog and feel less alone. My ultimate goal it to help someone in any way possible, whether it becomes a safe place for someone to come, a silly thing to laugh at or a place for advice. It seems so silly that my dumb words would help someone, but I think it would be the coolest thing in the world. So if you read this, I know it is nothing special, but please stay. Who knows? I might actually get good at it someday. haha.
Yesterday was the beginning of this blog and I have already spent a lot of my time trying to promote it, checking for views and just thinking about it in general. So far I only have 12 views and it disappoints me every time I come back to no change. This is a very bad attitude for me to have about it because even the most popular blogs started out like this, but I guess I am just kind of vain and I would love to see positive results from something I have created.
For now, thefloralwitch
I just want this blog to mean something to someone.
I want someone to read this stupid blog and feel less alone. My ultimate goal it to help someone in any way possible, whether it becomes a safe place for someone to come, a silly thing to laugh at or a place for advice. It seems so silly that my dumb words would help someone, but I think it would be the coolest thing in the world. So if you read this, I know it is nothing special, but please stay. Who knows? I might actually get good at it someday. haha.
Yesterday was the beginning of this blog and I have already spent a lot of my time trying to promote it, checking for views and just thinking about it in general. So far I only have 12 views and it disappoints me every time I come back to no change. This is a very bad attitude for me to have about it because even the most popular blogs started out like this, but I guess I am just kind of vain and I would love to see positive results from something I have created.
For now, thefloralwitch
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