Valentines Day 2015 was surprising not bad, coming from an eternally single person. I am sad that I am single, and I didn't avoid being sad about that the whole day, but most of the day I had a great time with my best friend.
Last year on valentines day was the first time I had ever gotten drunk, and I spent the week leading to valentines day ready to celebrate the anniversary, which I did, but that is not what is important. What is important is that I spent the day with my best friend just having fun. I did my makeup nice, dressed comfortably and didn't plan anything. We ended up going to lunch with her parents(that are basically my parents) and then running into her brother, sister in law and their baby on the street. In a weird way I felt like that was showing me that there are other sources of love than a romantic relationship. Being at college and only coming home on the weekends make it really hard to plan a time to see my nephew so running into them and getting to see him for a little bit was just what I needed, cause man, I love that little guy so much.
My best friend and I then went and fed one of our friend's animals because they were out of town, and at their house we found the sweetest stray cat and I named her Penelope. This is another way I was shown that I don't need romantic love to be happy, because my love for animals fills me with so much joy. Although one of the toughest parts of valentines day was not being able to be with Toby, my sweet puppy.
After that we went back to her house and watched the terrible/amazing movie Another Cinderella Story and we laughed and sang the whole way through even though she doesn't really like dumb teen movies like that. Then we watched Gone Girl for the second time in her room, while I drank half a bottle of vodka, I don't recommend this, but hey, its what happened. That is the only time when I actually felt sad about being single, so it goes to show how important other love is in your life.
I have depression and anxiety, but this year I was happy on Valentines day, which is a first for me. I know that a lot of people probably had a struggle and I have been there, and here it comes...... It gets better. It's hard to admit because I have refused to believe it for so long, but at least some things, get better. I'm still depressed, I still have terrible anxiety, I still don't think I will ever get over that, but it's okay to let happiness happen.
I don't believe I deserve happiness today, but on Valentines day I did, and I had a good day.
So try to let yourself feel happy, you deserve it.
The thing that has helped me the most recently is surrounding myself with amazing people. I found a great group of friends at college and they share my humor and they like being around me, it is a great thing and it has really helped me to let myself be a little happier.
I know this is a jumble, but I hope maybe it helps someone out. I hope you all had an amazing
Valentine's day and I also hope you know it is okay if you didn't. Maybe in a year or two you will be writing about how it gets better, at least I hope you feewl that way because you deserve to be happy!
with love, thefloralwitch
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Saturday, January 3, 2015
What a Lesson Learned
As for now, this is my New Years post. I was originally planning on making a resolution list like the ones on Tumblr where they aren't about changing yourself, but just about living a happier healthier life. But I never felt like writing that so I decided to write about last year.
Here are some of the main things that I learned last year:
1. Do it:
Wear what you wanna wear, say what you wanna say, be who you wanna be. I spent the last year or more of high school desperately wanting to wear red/dark lipstick and I was too afraid, but once I got to college I did it, I bought a dark purple color and I started wearing it all the time. Well after I first bought it I would just wear it at home because I was still afraid to wear it outside, but then I posted a picture wearing it on instagram, saying how I loved it, but was too afraid to wear it in public and I had some lovely friends who commented and told me that I should. So I did. I did it, and now it is my favorite lip color and I feel powerful when I wear it.
I also asked for a pair of pleather leggings for Christmas and by the time they had arrived I was afraid they weren't gonna fit, but then I was afraid that they would. I mean no one wants to see the fat girl in leggings, none the less pleather leggings. But I love them and I have worn them almost every day since getting them(I also have a second pair in the post).
So what I am saying is that if something makes you happy, granted it doesn't hurt anyone else, do it. It is the most liberating thing in the world to wear what you want too.
2. Change is scary, but give it time:
I started college this year, I knew it was going to be scary, but I was so excited to get out of my home that I didn't spend anytime preparing for the change. The first few weeks were the worst weeks I have had recently in terms of anxiety and depression. I have had a lot of bad anxiety situations in my life, but they usually come and go, this was really bad anxiety non stop for about two and a half weeks with no letting up. I was calling up my dad and crying every few days, not sure if I even wanted to stay the whole term. After those couple of terrible weeks it started to get better, but I still wanted out, I had decided that I would finish the year and then I would transfer to a community college until I was actually ready for university. Then one day I realized that I didn't want to leave, I want to go there next year, I am only worried about my roommate situation because my roommate(who I knew before) might transfer.
Anyways what I am trying to say here is give change a chance. It can be really extremely hard, but once you get through that it might be really extremely good.
3. Don't hold on to negative feelings:
Everyone says this, but it is like the hardest thing for me. I have bad feelings that I am holding on two from about 2+ years ago. I used to carry them with me everywhere, the bad feelings, I wanted people to listen to me, to care about it. No one did, they didn't understand why I was so hurt and eventually they got tired of me talking about it. So I stopped. This may be why I still hold on to it because I was never really able to talk about it or receive closure, but I don't carry it with me everyday. I keep it in a drawer that sometimes overflows and devastates me all over again, but it is better than feeling sad every day because of it.
Basically, I learned that this is true, but I haven't quite mastered it. If you are stronger than me I highly suggest you do let go of things that make you sad because you deserve to be happy.
That is it for now on my list of important things I learned in 2014. It was an important year and I know I learned more, but this is what sticks out to me right now. Let me know in the comments what you learned this year that you think might help me or anyone who might read it.
Thanks for reading, thefloralwitch
Here are some of the main things that I learned last year:
1. Do it:
Wear what you wanna wear, say what you wanna say, be who you wanna be. I spent the last year or more of high school desperately wanting to wear red/dark lipstick and I was too afraid, but once I got to college I did it, I bought a dark purple color and I started wearing it all the time. Well after I first bought it I would just wear it at home because I was still afraid to wear it outside, but then I posted a picture wearing it on instagram, saying how I loved it, but was too afraid to wear it in public and I had some lovely friends who commented and told me that I should. So I did. I did it, and now it is my favorite lip color and I feel powerful when I wear it.
I also asked for a pair of pleather leggings for Christmas and by the time they had arrived I was afraid they weren't gonna fit, but then I was afraid that they would. I mean no one wants to see the fat girl in leggings, none the less pleather leggings. But I love them and I have worn them almost every day since getting them(I also have a second pair in the post).
So what I am saying is that if something makes you happy, granted it doesn't hurt anyone else, do it. It is the most liberating thing in the world to wear what you want too.
2. Change is scary, but give it time:
I started college this year, I knew it was going to be scary, but I was so excited to get out of my home that I didn't spend anytime preparing for the change. The first few weeks were the worst weeks I have had recently in terms of anxiety and depression. I have had a lot of bad anxiety situations in my life, but they usually come and go, this was really bad anxiety non stop for about two and a half weeks with no letting up. I was calling up my dad and crying every few days, not sure if I even wanted to stay the whole term. After those couple of terrible weeks it started to get better, but I still wanted out, I had decided that I would finish the year and then I would transfer to a community college until I was actually ready for university. Then one day I realized that I didn't want to leave, I want to go there next year, I am only worried about my roommate situation because my roommate(who I knew before) might transfer.
Anyways what I am trying to say here is give change a chance. It can be really extremely hard, but once you get through that it might be really extremely good.
3. Don't hold on to negative feelings:
Everyone says this, but it is like the hardest thing for me. I have bad feelings that I am holding on two from about 2+ years ago. I used to carry them with me everywhere, the bad feelings, I wanted people to listen to me, to care about it. No one did, they didn't understand why I was so hurt and eventually they got tired of me talking about it. So I stopped. This may be why I still hold on to it because I was never really able to talk about it or receive closure, but I don't carry it with me everyday. I keep it in a drawer that sometimes overflows and devastates me all over again, but it is better than feeling sad every day because of it.
Basically, I learned that this is true, but I haven't quite mastered it. If you are stronger than me I highly suggest you do let go of things that make you sad because you deserve to be happy.
That is it for now on my list of important things I learned in 2014. It was an important year and I know I learned more, but this is what sticks out to me right now. Let me know in the comments what you learned this year that you think might help me or anyone who might read it.
Thanks for reading, thefloralwitch
Friday, January 2, 2015
What a Way to Start the New Year
I shouldn't do it, I shouldn't blog when I am sad. I know this is a terrible idea, but I am too tired to even stop myself. I am sorry to be a downer on the new year, but some times(most times) I cant choose when the darkness comes and goes. So here we go, I am going to try and keep it light, but this is kind of what blogs are for, venting.
Despite being the slightest bit hungover and the largest bit tired, today actually started out really great. I had to get up early, which was a drag, to go meet my aunt who was visiting for breakfast. That was pretty good, but longer than I had planned unfortunately. I had to get back to town because I was planning on meeting two friends, one visiting from out of town and one who I haven't seen since graduation.
These are two amazing girls, I love them both so much and I know they never would mean to hurt me. Our friendship has always been the same, they were best friends before and kind of adopted me into their little group, which is great, the only problem is they can be mean. Not in the secret manipulative way, but more the straight out way that they play off as teasing. Sometimes they are both super nice, but then Lilly will start being mean and eventually Sandra will join in. Lilly and me actually used to hate each other all through elementary and middle school, but now we are really close. They don't mean their teasing in a rude way at all, but with a weak mind like mine, it always gets to me. I would say that these two girls are my best friends, and my roommate, from high school.
Back to the day. We started off with just talking while they ate lunch and that was great! Except that I was a lot later than I was supposed to be because of my breakfast with my aunt. Then we fought(not really) about what to do and eventually decided on bowling(our original plan). We only got one game because Sandra had to work at 4 and it was like 3. Bowling went awesome and we had a lot of fun, I even agreed to every picture they wanted to take(I usually wont let anyone take a pic of me unless I am controlling the camera, I will make a post about this later). After bowling we headed over to Sandra's work, while we waited for her shift we decided that we would all dye my hair after(she got off at 9). So we went to buy the dye and left her to her work. I ended up driving Lilly to her hotel that she was staying in, after doing a lot of unnecessary driving on the way while we were deciding where to go. She had a dinner with her family so I headed back to the farm(where I kind of live).
Where I live is about 15-20 min drive from the town that we met in at first. The second town we went to was about 15-20 mins away from there. And the last town that we got to after going through a couple towns was also like 20-25 mins away or a little more cause of the route we ended up taking. Then to drive back from that town to the farm was about 30-40 mins, maybe more. I had to drive all of this, some alone and some with Lilly, while hungover and super tired.
All and all it was a super fun day despite all the driving and tiredness. I waited at the farm and was really excited, although nervous for the hair part. My hair has never been completely dyed before and we didn't go for just a one color thing, we mixed. This is when they started doing their thing, at first it was okay, but with my anxiety about my hair it finally got to me. At one point they obviously whispered to each other, I think it was because we ran out of dye, but they would not tell me what they said and got mad at me for asking. Things like that really get to me because I can't stand not knowing.
I also am that kind of person who thinks that if I am not there, I am being talked about. So it was really hard for me to deal with that.
Also while writing this, I realize that while I was waiting for them to come over my friend's mom(basically my mom, I live with and stuff) said something really hurtful to me which is probably why I am actually upset. Maybe I should talk about this instead, maybe I will in another post.
Anyways, they both got super tired and annoyed cause it was late and Sandra had to drive Lilly home because it was at my house and I had already driven her a lot that day. Although they stayed until it was done and helped me blow dry it so they could see. They were really excited about the color, it isn't exactly what I wanted, but I think I like it too. Whenever I do something to my hair it takes a while for me to get used to it. After they saw it and said it looked good they left. Thinking about it now I shouldn't really be upset and I think that it was more the hurtful comment from earlier/anxiety/tiredness. I really appreciate them for coming out to the farm and helping me with my hair, I just wish they didn't have to tease me. I will make a post later about being that friend(the third wheel) cause I always am.
I am actually super glad I wrote this out because even though I feel like breaking down right now, I realize it inst because of what my friends did.
I'm sorry that this was a really long dumb story with no real reason or interest, but it really helped me. I will make more posts pertaining to the things I said earlier and they should make more sense, I will also probably make another New Years post because it is something I would like to talk about.
For now, I am sorry to be such a downer, but I hope your new year has started out better than mine.
This quote I found on Tumblr is something I really relate too and it reminds me of what happened tonight. Sorry for the sad things!
Despite being the slightest bit hungover and the largest bit tired, today actually started out really great. I had to get up early, which was a drag, to go meet my aunt who was visiting for breakfast. That was pretty good, but longer than I had planned unfortunately. I had to get back to town because I was planning on meeting two friends, one visiting from out of town and one who I haven't seen since graduation.
These are two amazing girls, I love them both so much and I know they never would mean to hurt me. Our friendship has always been the same, they were best friends before and kind of adopted me into their little group, which is great, the only problem is they can be mean. Not in the secret manipulative way, but more the straight out way that they play off as teasing. Sometimes they are both super nice, but then Lilly will start being mean and eventually Sandra will join in. Lilly and me actually used to hate each other all through elementary and middle school, but now we are really close. They don't mean their teasing in a rude way at all, but with a weak mind like mine, it always gets to me. I would say that these two girls are my best friends, and my roommate, from high school.
Back to the day. We started off with just talking while they ate lunch and that was great! Except that I was a lot later than I was supposed to be because of my breakfast with my aunt. Then we fought(not really) about what to do and eventually decided on bowling(our original plan). We only got one game because Sandra had to work at 4 and it was like 3. Bowling went awesome and we had a lot of fun, I even agreed to every picture they wanted to take(I usually wont let anyone take a pic of me unless I am controlling the camera, I will make a post about this later). After bowling we headed over to Sandra's work, while we waited for her shift we decided that we would all dye my hair after(she got off at 9). So we went to buy the dye and left her to her work. I ended up driving Lilly to her hotel that she was staying in, after doing a lot of unnecessary driving on the way while we were deciding where to go. She had a dinner with her family so I headed back to the farm(where I kind of live).
Where I live is about 15-20 min drive from the town that we met in at first. The second town we went to was about 15-20 mins away from there. And the last town that we got to after going through a couple towns was also like 20-25 mins away or a little more cause of the route we ended up taking. Then to drive back from that town to the farm was about 30-40 mins, maybe more. I had to drive all of this, some alone and some with Lilly, while hungover and super tired.
All and all it was a super fun day despite all the driving and tiredness. I waited at the farm and was really excited, although nervous for the hair part. My hair has never been completely dyed before and we didn't go for just a one color thing, we mixed. This is when they started doing their thing, at first it was okay, but with my anxiety about my hair it finally got to me. At one point they obviously whispered to each other, I think it was because we ran out of dye, but they would not tell me what they said and got mad at me for asking. Things like that really get to me because I can't stand not knowing.
I also am that kind of person who thinks that if I am not there, I am being talked about. So it was really hard for me to deal with that.
Also while writing this, I realize that while I was waiting for them to come over my friend's mom(basically my mom, I live with and stuff) said something really hurtful to me which is probably why I am actually upset. Maybe I should talk about this instead, maybe I will in another post.
Anyways, they both got super tired and annoyed cause it was late and Sandra had to drive Lilly home because it was at my house and I had already driven her a lot that day. Although they stayed until it was done and helped me blow dry it so they could see. They were really excited about the color, it isn't exactly what I wanted, but I think I like it too. Whenever I do something to my hair it takes a while for me to get used to it. After they saw it and said it looked good they left. Thinking about it now I shouldn't really be upset and I think that it was more the hurtful comment from earlier/anxiety/tiredness. I really appreciate them for coming out to the farm and helping me with my hair, I just wish they didn't have to tease me. I will make a post later about being that friend(the third wheel) cause I always am.
I am actually super glad I wrote this out because even though I feel like breaking down right now, I realize it inst because of what my friends did.
I'm sorry that this was a really long dumb story with no real reason or interest, but it really helped me. I will make more posts pertaining to the things I said earlier and they should make more sense, I will also probably make another New Years post because it is something I would like to talk about.
For now, I am sorry to be such a downer, but I hope your new year has started out better than mine.
This quote I found on Tumblr is something I really relate too and it reminds me of what happened tonight. Sorry for the sad things!
“The thing about depression is you think you’re over it, but it’s 3 PM and you’re surrounded by your friends laughing about something stupid and you feel it, you feel the loneliness creeping in. You feel the sadness even though you’re laughing. You’re depressed and you don’t even know how to fix it.”
| — | 3PM depression// (via ugh) -thefloralwitch I think I will call my dad now, it is finally midnight so it is his birthday! |
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
What a Beginning
Here we go I guess.
As my very first post to this silly blog, I should probably say something important, but to be honest, I would just like to get this over with. So I am going to talk a little about me. The blog name, thefloralwitch, coincides with my tumblr, for now. If you want to see more about me I suggest you go there to see what I think, written in other people's words. There is some quite personal stuff about me that I wrote on there, but it is a tragic mess. This probably will be no different. I'm terribly sorry.
Anyways, I'm an 18 year old without a cause, I'm in my first year of university and I plan on majoring in Graphic Design with a minor in Photography. My absolute passion is in photography, but there are two reasons that isn't my endgame. 1. My college does not offer it as a major 2. I am painfully average at the art. My next post will likely go more into the act of being painfully average, because honestly, I am painfully successful at it.
There are two things I am painfully successful at;
1. Being painfully average
2. Being painfully overweight
I don't want to get too down in the first blog, but I am also a painfully blunt person. Because I am this way, I feel as if it is only fair to both of us for me to mention these few downers that I will probably post about.
1. I'm overweight(like a lot)
2. I have depression
3. I have anxiety
4. I have family issues
5. I have a few secrets from people I really care about
There are more terrible things about me, but I just decided that I would like to have an equal list of good things, so I would like to keep it short. I am going to try very hard to make this blog a very personal space, used for venting, but also used for documenting good things. So here are some good things about me/my life.
1. I have the cutest dog in the world and his name is Toby
2. I have a really cute car and a fairly nice camera for me being broke(wanted to put the material things together)
3. I love to help people and I also love to laugh/make people laugh
4. There are a few amazing people in my life
5. I'm not as bad as I used to be
So that is enough for this post I suppose. If I tell you everything that this will be about, you probably won't want to read it. With that said, I would just like to sum this up by saying that the internet, at times, has made me feel as if I am not alone. This is important. You are important. I want this silly mess of a blog to remind you that you are not alone. Not only do I want this to be a place where I can go to for comfort, but I want this to be a place where you can come for advice or humor or maybe just to see that someone else really doesn't have it together and you do not have to be anything near perfect.
If you read this you are a sweet cactus and I love you. Maybe stick around to see what happens?
For now, thefloralwitch
As my very first post to this silly blog, I should probably say something important, but to be honest, I would just like to get this over with. So I am going to talk a little about me. The blog name, thefloralwitch, coincides with my tumblr, for now. If you want to see more about me I suggest you go there to see what I think, written in other people's words. There is some quite personal stuff about me that I wrote on there, but it is a tragic mess. This probably will be no different. I'm terribly sorry.
Anyways, I'm an 18 year old without a cause, I'm in my first year of university and I plan on majoring in Graphic Design with a minor in Photography. My absolute passion is in photography, but there are two reasons that isn't my endgame. 1. My college does not offer it as a major 2. I am painfully average at the art. My next post will likely go more into the act of being painfully average, because honestly, I am painfully successful at it.
There are two things I am painfully successful at;
1. Being painfully average
2. Being painfully overweight
I don't want to get too down in the first blog, but I am also a painfully blunt person. Because I am this way, I feel as if it is only fair to both of us for me to mention these few downers that I will probably post about.
1. I'm overweight(like a lot)
2. I have depression
3. I have anxiety
4. I have family issues
5. I have a few secrets from people I really care about
There are more terrible things about me, but I just decided that I would like to have an equal list of good things, so I would like to keep it short. I am going to try very hard to make this blog a very personal space, used for venting, but also used for documenting good things. So here are some good things about me/my life.
1. I have the cutest dog in the world and his name is Toby
2. I have a really cute car and a fairly nice camera for me being broke(wanted to put the material things together)
3. I love to help people and I also love to laugh/make people laugh
4. There are a few amazing people in my life
5. I'm not as bad as I used to be
So that is enough for this post I suppose. If I tell you everything that this will be about, you probably won't want to read it. With that said, I would just like to sum this up by saying that the internet, at times, has made me feel as if I am not alone. This is important. You are important. I want this silly mess of a blog to remind you that you are not alone. Not only do I want this to be a place where I can go to for comfort, but I want this to be a place where you can come for advice or humor or maybe just to see that someone else really doesn't have it together and you do not have to be anything near perfect.
If you read this you are a sweet cactus and I love you. Maybe stick around to see what happens?
For now, thefloralwitch
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