What a Fake

Pretending to be something you are not.

It's a dangerous game and I have learned to play it in many ways. I think that I am protecting myself, but I am constantly down about the fact that I feel like I can't truly be who I am with the people I love. Sometimes I feel so isolated and alone because a large part of my life is a lie.

Hahaha I hope my family doesn't find this because I will then not be able to hide anymore, but I want to be honest here so the two things I lie about to my family are

1. I am not a Christian(this is the big one because they really are)
2. I have depression(its just not something I want them to know)

The family that I am referring to is what I call my adopted family, they babysat my and my brother since we were babies and I grew to be best friends with their daughter who is four years older than me(my real brother's age). I now stay with them on weekends and in the summer and I am considered family to their whole family. My actual family is unstable, but they do know these two facts about me.

Anyways, my adopted family are extremely conservative Christians and I feel like if they knew that I don't believe, they wouldn't except me anymore and I would have to deal with constant criticism because of it. I already get quite a bit of grief because I do not lie about being a liberal feminist. It is so sad and scary to know that the most important source of love in your life, could completely diminish if they found out the truth about you. Thinking of this also makes me realize that they don't even know the real me so the love isn't necessarily real either.

The depression thing is more of a depression thing, if that makes sense? It's a thing to hide, it's a thing I'm afraid of. But they should know, its not hard to see, and that makes me sad.

The point of this isn't to point out the flaws in my family, or even the flaws in me. I just wanted to share my fears, I wanted to let people know that lying to the people you love about who you are isn't smart and I hope you don't ever have too.

I'm sorry if this is a bit of a downer, but I vowed to be honest. I would also really love opinions or advice on the matter, because its a heavy thing to carry around and i'm trying not to be afraid to ask for support.

For now, thefloralwitch

What a Hard Thing to Respond too

I am coming here to debrief. My class just watched a film called Enjoy Poverty which is based in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. It was about the fact that Westerners come in and photograph poverty and make money from it, when the people in the photographs make nothing. It was an art piece/documentary film that showed extremely disturbing and upsetting images.

After watching it I don't know what to do. It seams wrong to have just come back to my nice dorm and opened my laptop to watch Parks and Recreation before my next class. My eyes just watched children starving and dead corpses and here I am on a nice laptop, something they will never get to use. So instead of watching my show I just wanted to vent a little bit, I wanted to note that I was effected by it, but that I don't know how to move on. I don't know how to not feel like shit because I will never have to deal with that bad of conditions. In the film the artist says how their poverty makes westerners happy because it makes them realize the stability in their lives, but it just makes me feel terrible and selfish. I don't think everything is okay because I could have it worse, I think everything isn't okay because I should have it worse.

Responding to things like this is super hard for me and I let it really control my emotions for a while, but I have to be careful because what is just my sad response and time to think can easily turn into a bad episode of my depression.

This post is extremely depressing and really has no purpose to anyone but me, but if you read it, thank you for being respectful to my reflection.

I will try to have a post with a better mood soon, but this was just me needing a place to write to help myself understand my own thoughts.

For now, thefloralwitch

What a Work in Progress

I have to admit something, I am terrible at starting things and I am even worse at it if I don't see immediate results. This is why I am still an extremely overweight person, and why I haven't made a new blog post in days.

So I'm sorry, if you care, and I am really going to try and be better. It is just so hard for me to find motivation to keep posting when I know I have less than 5 readers, which is so silly because I am amazed that I have any readers and I am really appreciative of the ones I do have.

Things take time, blogs take time, youtube channels take time and good relationships take time. You cant just make a super good friend by barely speaking to them, so I need to keep talking to you guys. I have the same problem with my youtube channel, but I don't feel it has half the potential that this blog does, so I will work on putting more time and energy into my posts.

Now despite having little motivation to post, I have also been tremendously busy and stressed. Winter term (my second term) just started and I am transitioning from 13 to 17 credits and it is harder than I expected. I have had a couple really hard days due to anxiety and stress this last week, but I am feeling a little better now and would just like to end this post with the positive things about this term.

1. Campus is gorgeous in any weather
2. I have met a couple really great people and am starting to make some real friends
3. My classes are almost all interesting to me
4. Terms are only 3 months so I don't have long to go

I am sorry this post is so short and basically just me stating my excuses for not posting, but I do really want to try harder and make this blog something worth reading. Any support or suggestions would be greatly appreciated and I hope anyone reading this had or is having an amazing day!

For now. thefloralwitch

"Just because something isn't happening for you right now doesn't mean it will never happen. All good things take time."- unknown

What a Collection of 2014 Beauty Products

So here is my favorite beauty products of 2014!!!!!!!!

Comment if you want me to do reviews on any specific items.

Also I lost my favorite lipstick of the year, which I believe was called licorice and it was a dark purple from Nyx. So that is not pictured, but I recently bought the Maybelline Divine Wine lipstick to replace it because I could no longer find it in stores. I also really love Divine Wine. 

I would love to go into more detail on any of these products, so please tell me if you would like to know more! 

Sorry it is hard to see the two eye shadow palettes with the Naked 3 one, but if you want I will do more detail shots on them. 

Hope you enjoy!

Please let me know some of your beauty favorites from 2014 and be sure to comment if you want to know more about any of these.

for now, thefloralwitch

What a Favorite Outfit

So it has been a few days, I know to start a successful blog you gotta be reliable and keep to some sort of schedule, but I just got back to college so things have been a little crazy. And by crazy I mainly mean that I missed a whole month of Youtube videos due to having limited internet at home and I am also going from 13 credits to 17, so I have been a bit busy.

Anyways, I hope whoever is reading this is doing well! I just thought I would share my current favorite outfit because I am obsessed.

I guess the normal thing to do in this type of post is say where you got the items, so here we go.

Sweater: Fred Meyers plus/womans
Leather leggings: Gstagelove website - link
Boots: Payless ShoeSource - link
Socks: Target

I love the sweater a lot, but have had it for a couple months so it is quite fuzzy with lint and such so it doesn't look as nice, but I still love it.

The leather leggings are my favorite thing ever and I never wanna live without them, but there is bummer when it comes to them. I got a pair for Christmas and proceeded to wear them almost every day for the rest of break and the fake leather has almost completely worn off. So now they are basically black leggings with a little bit of reflectiveness. The pair featured in the photo is my second pair that I bought and plan to not wear as much because I love them and want them to last. It is kind of understandable because they were only 13.99, but I wish they would last because they are super cute and comfy.

The boots are my favorite things ever and I have worn them every day since getting them. They are super comfy and so easy to put on because they have a zipper.

And the socks are just super cute and perfect length to pop above the boots a tiny bit.

Anyways that is my current favorite outfit, If you care! haha. I am planning on making a favorite books of 2014 post and a favorite beauty products post. So I hope that gives you something to look forward to seeing on here.

Have a wonderful day, sorry for the delay.

For now, thefloralwitch

What a Lesson Learned

As for now, this is  my New Years post. I was originally planning on making a resolution list  like the ones on Tumblr where they aren't about changing yourself, but just about living a happier healthier life. But I never felt like writing that so I decided to write about last year.

Here are some of the main things that I learned last year:

1. Do it:
Wear what you wanna wear, say what you wanna say, be who you wanna be. I spent the last year or more of high school desperately wanting to wear red/dark lipstick and I was too afraid, but once I got to college I did it, I bought a dark purple color and I started wearing it all the time. Well after I first bought it I would just wear it at home because I was still afraid to wear it outside, but then I posted a picture wearing it on instagram, saying how I loved it, but was too afraid to wear it in public and I had some lovely friends who commented and told me that I should. So I did. I did it, and now it is my favorite lip color and I feel powerful when I wear it.
I also asked for a pair of pleather leggings for Christmas and by the time they had arrived I was afraid they weren't gonna fit, but then I was afraid that they would. I mean no one wants to see the fat girl in leggings, none the less pleather leggings. But I love them and I have worn them almost every day since getting them(I also have a second pair in the post).

So what I am saying is that if something makes you happy, granted it doesn't hurt anyone else, do it. It is the most liberating thing in the world to wear what you want too.

2. Change is scary, but give it time:
I started college this year, I knew it was going to be scary, but I was so excited to get out of my home that I didn't spend anytime preparing for the change. The first few weeks were the worst weeks I have had recently in terms of anxiety and depression. I have had a lot of bad anxiety situations in my life, but they usually come and go, this was really bad anxiety non stop for about two and a half weeks with no letting up. I was calling up my dad and crying every few days, not sure if I even wanted to stay the whole term. After those couple of terrible weeks it started to get better, but I still wanted out, I had decided that I would finish the year and then I would transfer to a community college until I was actually ready for university. Then one day I realized that I didn't want to leave, I want to go there next year, I am only worried about my roommate situation because my roommate(who I knew before) might transfer.

Anyways what I am trying to say here is give change a chance. It can be really extremely hard, but once you get through that it might be really extremely good.

3. Don't hold on to negative feelings:
Everyone says this, but it is like the hardest thing for me. I have bad feelings that I am holding on two from about 2+ years ago. I used to carry them with me everywhere, the bad feelings, I wanted people to listen to me, to care about it. No one did, they didn't understand why I was so hurt and eventually they got tired of me talking about it. So I stopped. This may be why I still hold on to it because I was never really able to talk about it or receive closure, but I don't carry it with me everyday. I keep it in a drawer that sometimes overflows and devastates me all over again, but it is better than feeling sad every day because of it.

Basically, I learned that this is true, but I haven't quite mastered it. If you are stronger than me I highly suggest you do let go of things that make you sad because you deserve to be happy.


That is it for now on my list of important things I learned in 2014. It was an important year and I know I learned more, but this is what sticks out to me right now. Let me know in the comments what you learned this year that you think might help me or anyone who might read it.

Thanks for reading, thefloralwitch

What a Snapshot

So my parents are moving(being foreclosed on, but that is another story) I am leaving a lot of stuff because a lot of it is unnecessary and besides seeing my dad and dog I hate going home. They only have about two days left and I visited today because it is my dad's birthday. He really wanted me to take another look in my room so I did in fear of loosing something important.

While rummaging through my stuff I came across two vintage cameras and some film and prints from the film photography class I took sophomore year. I scanned some of the pictures up because I thought they were cool to look at and that they would make a fun blog post.

The photos aren't that great and they have a lot of printing errors, but I think that that makes them look cooler, here are a few of them!

Contact Sheet

I entered a better print of this photo in the County Fair and got Grand Champion

Saved film strips

Polaroid and German Camera

I hope you enjoyed looking at the film prints and the two collector cameras I own! I love looking at old cameras and I really wish that these two worked. Let me know if you know any fun information about these cameras!

For now, thefloralwitch

I know I didn't talk about New Years like I said I would, but I am still not in a clear state of mind so I am putting it off till later. Hope you had an amazing day!

What a Way to Start the New Year

I shouldn't do it, I shouldn't blog when I am sad. I know this is a terrible idea, but I am too tired to even stop myself. I am sorry to be a downer on the new year, but some times(most times) I cant choose when the darkness comes and goes. So here we go, I am going to try and keep it light, but this is kind of what blogs are for, venting.

Despite being the slightest bit hungover and the largest bit tired, today actually started out really great. I had to get up early, which was a drag, to go meet my aunt who was visiting for breakfast. That was pretty good, but longer than I had planned unfortunately. I had to get back to town because I was planning on meeting two friends, one visiting from out of town and one who I haven't seen since graduation.

These are two amazing girls, I love them both so much and I know they never would mean to hurt me. Our friendship has always been the same, they were best friends before and kind of adopted me into their little group, which is great, the only problem is they can be mean. Not in the secret manipulative way, but more the straight out way that they play off as teasing. Sometimes they are both super nice, but then Lilly will start being mean and eventually Sandra will join in. Lilly and me actually used to hate each other all through elementary and middle school, but now we are really close. They don't mean their teasing in a rude way at all, but with a weak mind like mine, it always gets to me. I would say that these two girls are my best friends, and my roommate, from high school.

Back to the day. We started off with just talking while they ate lunch and that was great! Except that I was a lot later than I was supposed to be because of my breakfast with my aunt. Then we fought(not really) about what to do and eventually decided on bowling(our original plan). We only got one game because Sandra had to work at 4 and it was like 3. Bowling went awesome and we had a lot of fun, I even agreed to every picture they wanted to take(I usually wont let anyone take a pic of me unless I am controlling the camera, I will make a post about this later). After bowling we headed over to Sandra's work, while we waited for her shift we decided that we would all dye my hair after(she got off at 9). So we went to buy the dye and left her to her work. I ended up driving Lilly to her hotel that she was staying in, after doing a lot of unnecessary driving on the way while we were deciding where to go. She had a dinner with her family so I headed back to the farm(where I kind of live).

Where I live is about 15-20 min drive from the town that we met in at first. The second town we went to was about 15-20 mins away from there. And the last town that we got to after going through a couple towns was also like 20-25 mins away or a little more cause of the route we ended up taking. Then to drive back from that town to the farm was about 30-40 mins, maybe more. I had to drive all of this, some alone and some with Lilly, while hungover and super tired.

All and all it was a super fun day despite all the driving and tiredness. I waited at the farm and was really excited, although nervous for the hair part. My hair has never been completely dyed before and we didn't go for just a one color thing, we mixed. This is when they started doing their thing, at first it was okay, but with my anxiety about my hair it finally got to me. At one point they obviously whispered to each other, I think it was because we ran out of dye, but they would not tell me what they said and got mad at me for asking. Things like that really get to me because I can't stand not knowing.
I also am that kind of person who thinks that if I am not there, I am being talked about. So it was really hard for me to deal with that.

Also while writing this, I realize that while I was waiting for them to come over my friend's mom(basically my mom, I live with and stuff) said something really hurtful to me which is probably why I am actually upset. Maybe I should talk about this instead, maybe I will in another post.

Anyways, they both got super tired and annoyed cause it was late and Sandra had to drive Lilly home because it was at my house and I had already driven her a lot that day. Although they stayed until it was done and helped me blow dry it so they could see. They were really excited about the color, it isn't exactly what I wanted, but I think I like it too. Whenever I do something to my hair it takes a while for me to get used to it. After they saw it and said it looked good they left. Thinking about it now I shouldn't really be upset and I think that it was more the hurtful comment from earlier/anxiety/tiredness. I really appreciate them for coming out to the farm and helping me with my hair, I just wish they didn't have to tease me. I will make a post later about being that friend(the third wheel) cause I always am.

I am actually super glad I wrote this out because even though I feel like breaking down right now, I realize it inst because of what my friends did.

I'm sorry that this was a really long dumb story with no real reason or interest, but it really helped me. I will make more posts pertaining to the things I said earlier and they should make more sense, I will also probably make another New Years post because it is something I would like to talk about.

For now, I am sorry to be such a downer, but I hope your new year has started out better than mine.

This quote I found on Tumblr is something I really relate too and it reminds me of what happened tonight. Sorry for the sad things!

“The thing about depression is you think you’re over it, but it’s 3 PM and you’re surrounded by your friends laughing about something stupid and you feel it, you feel the loneliness creeping in. You feel the sadness even though you’re laughing. You’re depressed and you don’t even know how to fix it.”

—	3PM depression// (via ugh) -thefloralwitch I think I will call my dad now, it is finally midnight so it is his birthday!